Finally I’m home alone and all I can do is stare at the living room. Tim was never one for interior décor, his theory was as long as the roof didn’t leak then all was good. The image of his body is now forever burnt into my eyes, they say never stare at the sun, well never stare at a dead body either as that’s just as bad for them. I’d tried many a time to get him to agree to a new carpet or flooring of some semi reasonable standard but he’d always told me it would take too much work and time. He was categorically lazy unless it came to his business where, when well, he’d spend literally 18 hours a day there but home, as long as there was a bed and food on the table, that would do. Within a couple of days it all changed, the “carpet” became like some sort of Turin shroud. “It’s carpet Tim but not as we know it”, even Scotty would have beamed up in fear of foot rot. There’s Klingon’s on my little toe……………….Thanks to my amazing parents we managed to rip up, chuck out, purchase and lay a brand new one within all of 4 hours from start to finish.  It was so very hard, not, shifting a bit of furniture about and the difference is beyond miraculous.

I asked small person if she’d like to keep the armchair that he basically lived, ate, slept and died in, even offered to have it re-upholstered for her in any colour she fancied as long as it wasn’t pink but she wasn’t keen. “He’s ruined it and I don’t like it, let’s throw it out of the window as I don’t think it will fit down the hall”. A girl after my own heart with the love of window usage…..he window is very useful as I’m sure you’ve gathered by now.  Fair enough and feel quite relived as it would always be an elephant in a now less like zoo. Tim’s Dad calls, this is the first of about 800 calls in the next 2/3 weeks that I have to look forward to, thankfully there is still wine in the fridge. He can never have a conversation where we get to the point, it always has to revert back to either his health (only so often you want to discuss hernia’s and blood pressure without your own rising dramatically) or days gone by or things that have zero relevance to man nor beast. This conversation actually included a very graphic description of him having to hold down a huge sow pig and put a bullet through it’s head when swine flu hit the farm…………..some point back in the dark ages and really not what you want to chat about a couple of days after a human death. Still, I finally managed to cut him off mid flow and asked if he could send someone over with one of the vans to pick up the chair and take it to the tip as my car is way too tiny to fit much in other than me, small person and lot’s of empty crisp wrappers.  HE came over, yippee. In person he’s about as hard to get rid of as a migraine and enough to cause one too. He wanted the chair to keep for himself, this, although weird, would mean that they actually had a decent bit of furniture (will explain another day about how they live, always expect to see them on Storage Hoarders or the Nightmare Neighbour next door). He’s pretty decrepit and although I’m pretty strong for my size we are once again in the grip of “a nightmare on narrow hallway” as it won’t fit. I suggest the balcony windows, not throw it but gently sort of lower it down on some rope. They are nice windows and open up from floor to ceiling, I really cannot see the problem but he feels this would be “disrespectful” – really, it’s a knackered arm chair that no sane person would give house room to. I smile and once again empty the hallway, no help offered. He then spots the kitchen and offers to do the left over dinner plates that I’ve not yet got round to from last night, I don’t think my water bill or sanity can cope. Thankfully it’s nearly time for the school run so I politely usher him down the now spacious hallway and resist the urge to push him as I open the front door. He leaves with a “will be in touch about the funeral, need to check out several funeral directors first”. This means he will spend at least two days procrastinating and writing emails that would make War and Peace look like a quick read before I take matters in hand and just make us an appointment at whichever is the closest.

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